Today,
almost first thing in the morning I got an email with just one link
(with an implied expectation- have your own opinion :)
Email
was from a New York based friend, and link that of a blog post in
their city newspaper (with an international reach ;) New York Times.
The article was by Sumedh Mungee (lets call him SB for convenience)
explaining why
he left India-again.
This sounds familiar!
Hundreds
of involved comments, this sounds familiar too ... reminded me of
another India-bashing article
which attracted loads of comments (it even had some funny co-incidences in my life).
By
late afternoon I got another email with links to Chetan
Bhagat's response
to the SB's article. Hmm...
Choosing
to leave or live in a country is a very individual decision,
supported or hindered by multiple intra-personal, interpersonal, as
well as social/systemic factors. Though with
post-globalisation-fluid-boundaries, a new highly-skilled migratory
class has emerged and is swelling everyday.
With
respect to India, discussions over brain-drain and songs like
'Chitthi aayi hai...' are old story. Although India related articles
often attract heaps of comments from non-resident Indians (NRIs)
betraying their continued strong preference/aversion for India, I am
choosing not to focus on that group. I don't think it is required or
even desirable for every NRI to return back to over-crowded,
bursting-at-the-seams, metropolitan cities of India. Even if spread
across a map, they can always share the spirit of
'one-world-one-family' (ancient Indian saying - vasudhaiv kutumbakam)
beyond any cliched ideas about 'Desh'.
Those
who happily return & never regret, are a class apart and I am not
even discussing them here.
I'm
more intrigued by a small proportion who return back to India with
(apparent) hopes of 'till-death-do-us-apart', and then one day
suddenly leave - again, with bitter taste in their own mouth, and
thus I guess, bad-mouthing India in the popular media. I am tempted
to look deeper and analyze further... I can't help it, its a
professional habit!
So
I will pick only SB's article and try to understand something about
others too. I also hope at least one or more person reading this
blogpost will think deeply before making similar choices in her/his
life. So let us start...
(I
don't know if it was sheer creative liberty, or really 'Swadesh' was
being played in the flight to India. Truly a very interesting
co-incidence due to its underlying contrast).
Motives behind the move
Victor
Frankl, a psychotherapist and holocaust survivor would often mention
what Friedrich Nietzsche's said, "He
who has a Why to live for, can bear almost any How''.
This 'why' is about having a deep meaning in life. However SB's primary motives were purely functional, a mix of personal preferences and professional reasons. He was going back to 'an India that offered global companies, continental food, international schools and domestic help; an India that offered freedom from outsourcing and George W. Bush'.
So
he was clearly looking for an escape from one comfort zone, due to
economic and political reasons, and expecting another. He was not
looking for something uniquely Indian, there was no acceptance of the
Indian reality and certainly there was no commitment to the place.
Certainly it was a bad start! (Btw, Acceptance & Commitment
Psychotherapy tries to help people deal with inevitable problems in
life).
Relationship
with India
Since
SB has used the metaphor of a 'break-up', I am tempted to use a well
known theory applicable to love relationships.
Honeymoon
phase:
This phase is 'the best', for sprinkling the fairy dust on everything
and making it look good, feel good. Our author too had a good start.
'Our
move was a success by any metric...'.
Career, life style, children's education, all was well.
But
the inevitable next phase always comes too soon ...
Reality
dawns:
This is 'the most important' phase of any relationship. Things which
seemed neat, nice and pleasant earlier might shock you now with their
ugly shadows. Most people are not ready for this dis-illusionment.
Our author too could not digest the reality bite as he says ... 'But
then the metaphors started to fade and the daily grind set in'...
Separation:
In this phase there are only 3 options, separate, manage the
differences, or grow. Separation without some kind of understanding
leads to anger, while with it leads to deep sadness.
Much
of SB's article indicates this transition from anger to sadness.
Being fair to SB, he did try to navigate the local rules 'Within
weeks, I had joined the honking swarm driving in Bangalore',
but then 'That’s
when it started going wrong'...
and he 'hated
what I was becoming'.
In
such times the only real move towards sanity (or peace of mind) is
'serenity to accept what one cannot change, courage to change what
one can and wisdom to know this difference'. Clearly serenity of
acceptance was lacking from the start, and courage to be the
change-agent was not in the agenda.
But
it goes to SB's credit that he had wisdom to know the difference...
he not only knew what he can change, but also did act upon it. Leave
India-Again!
It
is more interesting to notice the afterlogue, the reflection process
...
-
SB shrugs off any suggestion of betrayal by mentioning he is not even
at home in US.
-
Indicates some sense of lingering belongingness, because, India hurts
more.
-
There are traces of guilt, almost like checking-in one's old parents
in an old age home, because they have become too inconvenient.
-
There is also a shame of letting oneself down 'Everyone
in India has to deal with this, but I coped in the worst possible
way: by dehumanizing her and other people like her, ever so slightly,
ever so subtly — chronic amoebiasis of the soul'
-
And an acceptance of something lacking within to contribute to the
emerging India 'It’s
just that I’ve realized — I’ve resigned myself to the fact —
that I won’t be a part of that future'.
He is too impatient for the outcome, he can't be bothered about the
process of change.
American
psychologist Barry Schwartz, in his book paradox
of choice (2004)
referred to what economist and historian Albert Hirschman wrote in
his book 'Exit,
Voice, and Loyalty'
(1970). Hirschman theorized that when one is unhappy,
people have two general classes of responses available- they can exit
the situation, or they can protest and give voice to their concerns.
In the marketplace, exit is the characteristic response to
dissatisfaction and so we exit from restaurant, breakfast cereal,
favorite vacation spot etc. 'One of the principal virtues of
free-market choice is that it gives people the opportunity to express
their displeasure by exit.
However
social relations are different. We don’t dismiss lovers, friends,
or communities, the way we dismiss restaurants, cereals, or vacation
spots. Treating people in this way is unseemly at best and
reprehensible at worst. Instead, we usually give voice to our
displeasure, hoping to influence our lover, friend, or community. And
even when these efforts fail, we feel bound to keep trying. Exit, or
abandonment, is the response of last resort'.
In
his book Barry Schwartz goes on to give many advices for chronically
dissatisfied people (you can watch TED video here).
Some of the ways to increase one's happiness applicable in this
situation are: don't be a picker, satisfice more, make your decision
non-reversible, practice attitude of gratitude, regret less, control
expectations, learn to love constraints etc.
The
sense of entitlement sans concern/ duty towards 'other', not only
plays havoc in relationships, even if it is with one's country of
origin or of current living, it also never brings any real happiness
to oneself.
So
my advice to SB would be, at least now, do not continue being an 'alien' in USA. Be there and belong there, commit yourself to its
growth instead of living like an outsider, everywhere, forever.
And
let one man's pain be others' gain. Those who nurture 'some day I will
return' dream in an ambivalent manner, should remind themselves that
living in any country including India has its own demands. Look
within to find if there are basic value conflicts, between what you
want and what a place has to offer. Then you will not have to grumble
in public someday.
Finally, there might be some truth in what J.F. Kennedy said, 'Ask not what your country
can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'. Those who had
asked this question before landing back in India, usually do not
regret that decision. For them it has been mostly a journey of fulfillment!
(Update: I noticed this blog post was featured on NYT, as well as on Mr. Mungee's website and a couple of other places)
(Update: I noticed this blog post was featured on NYT, as well as on Mr. Mungee's website and a couple of other places)
