Re-leaving (or relieving) India!

2011-10-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today,almost first thing in the morning I got an email with just one link(with an implied expectation- have your own opinion :)

Emailwas from a New York based friend, and link that of a blog post intheir city newspaper (with an international reach ;) New York Times.The article was by Sumedh Mungee (lets call him SB for convenience)explaining whyhe left India-again.This sounds familiar!

Hundredsof involved comments, this sounds familiar too ... reminded me ofanother India-bashing articlewhich attracted loads of comments (it even had some funny co-incidences in my life).

Bylate afternoon I got another email with links to ChetanBhagat's responseto the SB's article. Hmm...

Choosingto leave or live in a country is a very individual decision,supported or hindered by multiple intra-personal, interpersonal, aswell as social/systemic factors. Though withpost-globalisation-fluid-boundaries, a new highly-skilled migratoryclass has emerged and is swelling everyday.

Withrespect to India, discussions over brain-drain and songs like'Chitthi aayi hai...' are old story. Although India related articlesoften attract heaps of comments from non-resident Indians (NRIs)betraying their continued strong preference/aversion for India, I amchoosing not to focus on that group. I don't think it is required oreven desirable for every NRI to return back to over-crowded,bursting-at-the-seams, metropolitan cities of India. Even if spreadacross a map, they can always share the spirit of'one-world-one-family' (ancient Indian saying - vasudhaiv kutumbakam)beyond any cliched ideas about 'Desh'.

Thosewho happily return & never regret, are a class apart and I am noteven discussing them here.

I'mmore intrigued by a small proportion who return back to India with(apparent) hopes of 'till-death-do-us-apart', and then one daysuddenly leave - again, with bitter taste in their own mouth, andthus I guess, bad-mouthing India in the popular media. I am temptedto look deeper and analyze further... I can't help it, its aprofessional habit!

SoI will pick only SB's article and try to understand something aboutothers too. I also hope at least one or more person reading thisblogpost will think deeply before making similar choices in her/hislife. So let us start...

(Idon't know if it was sheer creative liberty, or really 'Swadesh' wasbeing played in the flight to India. Truly a very interestingco-incidence due to its underlying contrast).

Motivesbehind the move

VictorFrankl, a psychotherapist and holocaust survivor would often mentionwhat Friedrich Nietzsche's said, "Hewho has a Why to live for, can bear almost any How''.

This 'why' is about having a deep meaning in life. However SB's primary motives were purely functional, a mix of personal preferences and professional reasons. He was going back to 'an India that offered global companies, continental food, international schools and domestic help; an India that offered freedom from outsourcing and George W. Bush'.

Sohe was clearly looking for an escape from one comfort zone, due toeconomic and political reasons, and expecting another. He was notlooking for something uniquely Indian, there was no acceptance of theIndian reality and certainly there was no commitment to the place.Certainly it was a bad start! (Btw, Acceptance & CommitmentPsychotherapy tries to help people deal with inevitable problems inlife).

Relationshipwith India

SinceSB has used the metaphor of a 'break-up', I am tempted to use a wellknown theory applicable to love relationships.

Honeymoonphase:This phase is 'the best', for sprinkling the fairy dust on everythingand making it look good, feel good. Our author too had a good start.'Ourmove was a success by any metric...'.Career, life style, children's education, all was well.

Butthe inevitable next phase always comes too soon ...

Realitydawns:This is 'the most important' phase of any relationship. Things whichseemed neat, nice and pleasant earlier might shock you now with theirugly shadows. Most people are not ready for this dis-illusionment.Our author too could not digest the reality bite as he says ... 'Butthen the metaphors started to fade and the daily grind set in'...

Separation:In this phase there are only 3 options, separate, manage thedifferences, or grow. Separation without some kind of understandingleads to anger, while with it leads to deep sadness.

Muchof SB's article indicates this transition from anger to sadness.Being fair to SB, he did try to navigate the local rules 'Withinweeks, I had joined the honking swarm driving in Bangalore',but then 'That’swhen it started going wrong'...and he 'hatedwhat I was becoming'.

Insuch times the only real move towards sanity (or peace of mind) is'serenity to accept what one cannot change, courage to change whatone can and wisdom to know this difference'. Clearly serenity ofacceptance was lacking from the start, and courage to be thechange-agent was not in the agenda.

Butit goes to SB's credit that he had wisdom to know the difference...he not only knew what he can change, but also did act upon it. LeaveIndia-Again!

Itis more interesting to notice the afterlogue, the reflection process...

-SB shrugs off any suggestion of betrayal by mentioning he is not evenat home in US.

-Indicates some sense of lingering belongingness, because, India hurtsmore.

-There are traces of guilt, almost like checking-in one's old parentsin an old age home, because they have become too inconvenient.

-There is also a shame of letting oneself down 'Everyonein India has to deal with this, but I coped in the worst possibleway: by dehumanizing her and other people like her, ever so slightly,ever so subtly — chronic amoebiasis of the soul'

-And an acceptance of something lacking within to contribute to theemerging India 'It’sjust that I’ve realized — I’ve resigned myself to the fact —that I won’t be a part of that future'.He is too impatient for the outcome, he can't be bothered about theprocess of change.

Americanpsychologist Barry Schwartz, in his book paradoxof choice (2004)referred to what economist and historian Albert Hirschman wrote inhis book 'Exit,Voice, and Loyalty'(1970). Hirschman theorized that when one is unhappy,people have two general classes of responses available- they can exitthe situation, or they can protest and give voice to their concerns.In the marketplace, exit is the characteristic response todissatisfaction and so we exit from restaurant, breakfast cereal,favorite vacation spot etc. 'One of the principal virtues offree-market choice is that it gives people the opportunity to expresstheir displeasure by exit.

Howeversocial relations are different. We don’t dismiss lovers, friends,or communities, the way we dismiss restaurants, cereals, or vacationspots. Treating people in this way is unseemly at best andreprehensible at worst. Instead, we usually give voice to ourdispleasure, hoping to influence our lover, friend, or community. Andeven when these efforts fail, we feel bound to keep trying. Exit, orabandonment, is the response of last resort'.

Inhis book Barry Schwartz goes on to give many advices for chronicallydissatisfied people (you can watch TED video here).Some of the ways to increase one's happiness applicable in thissituation are: don't be a picker, satisfice more, make your decisionnon-reversible, practice attitude of gratitude, regret less, controlexpectations, learn to love constraints etc.

Thesense of entitlement sans concern/ duty towards 'other', not onlyplays havoc in relationships, even if it is with one's country oforigin or of current living, it also never brings any real happinessto oneself.

Somy advice to SB would be, at least now, do not continue being an 'alien' in USA. Be there and belong there, commit yourself to itsgrowth instead of living like an outsider, everywhere, forever.

Andlet one man's pain be others' gain. Those who nurture 'some day I willreturn' dream in an ambivalent manner, should remind themselves thatliving in any country including India has its own demands. Lookwithin to find if there are basic value conflicts, between what youwant and what a place has to offer. Then you will not have to grumblein public someday.

Finally, there might be some truth in what J.F. Kennedy said, 'Ask not what your countrycan do for you, ask what you can do for your country'. Those who hadasked this question before landing back in India, usually do notregret that decision. For them it has been mostly a journey of fulfillment!

Why this blog?

2011-10-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

I often have long discussions with my friends over psycho-social issues, leading to this idea that we need to have a voice which will add psychological perspective to the discourses happening around various events especially in India.

But due to being busy and lazy both, we have not yet posted anything here :) Although I do blog elsewhere sometimes, and at other times jot down my thoughts on paper. So here we start ... (though I never thought it will be an issue like this)!

Voices of Sanity

Re-leaving (or relieving) India!

Why this blog?